Filched Quote

“I wish I could go back and talk to myself when I was twenty. I’d say to myself “listen, don’t worry about the things you’ve been worrying about. Everything is going to work out great.” And I’d likely clarify with myself that “In the future I get everything I need?” And I’d say back to myself “No, you just realize you didn’t need it. And that’s even better.”

Don Miller.

My World is Shrinking

It's been a pretty good day.

Today I have been swimming trying to get my back back.

I went to a Bible study thing tonight that has about twenty young people go. I like to make lots of jokes there...pretend I'm the funny guy.

And my friend Jess came round today to cheer me up. Even though she struggles from depression, she came and plopped down at my desk chair and announced she was staying for two hours.

It was good of her; it's what I need at the moment. My world is shrinking by the day...and I'm enjoying human contact less and less as time goes on. Even family. Gah!~I make my sisters feel unwelcome when they come into my room...I just wanna be on my own- Gah~! Warning Warning!

This back better get better soon...

There's a healing meeting on tomorrow night in Dubbo; a guy called John Mellor
is coming to do a few healing meetings.

Don't know what I should do...

Anti-Depressant Baby

Lately, whenever I feel miserable I go over to my friend’s house. She is a foster carer, and lately has been looking after a little four-month old baby boy. 

My friend is very easy-going, so I hobble over there, and she puts this little bundle in my lap. I tell him how delightful he is in a dozen different pitches and tones, then cuddle, and feed him. He is an amazing little fellow, his giggle was like an injection of Happiness. I told him all my jokes, and I think he likes them. His smile is sooo cute. Excellent depression deterrent. Would recommend it to anyone. A rare phenomenon indeed, such a tiny human who can remove gloom. 

Today, I got a surprise call from my best friend Hanwen. She happened to casually mention that she was in town. I took this news calmly….flung my phone across the room, and limped out to see her.

We had awesome lunch together. She takes my odd method of getting things off my brain very well. I fling question after question at her, unloading all the holsters at once, and she responds by playing ‘Aim the French-Fry', listening, and offering some thoughts. It was just good. She’s just good. It was sad to see her leave on the bus.

I got home, and had Mum greet me and tell me that my little Bub was gone. His real family was no longer acting in a good safe way, and he needed to be moved on to a different family for his own safety. Out of town. Away.

I just feel so rotten about it. He was just so special and I just loved the little guy, you know? And now I never get to be part of his life again. Just feels like a kick in the guts. I went to my room and cried.

My family says, “Trust God, Kat. Trust God that He has this under control and will provide Bub with a good loving Christian family.”

I have to leave it in God’s hands, there’s nil all I can do.

Just gonna miss him is all. He gave me something to love outside myself. 

Did They Get You to Trade Your Heroes for Ghosts?

I'm stuck, lying on my bed, hour after hour. Drowning my inability to do anything helpful in a few hundred games of Solitaire and watching every episode of Scrubs ever made Twice.
Pretty much having no choice but to just lie here. Counting the bugs in my Lightbulb. Trying to pray. Trying to read good things.

I go to a get-together/Bible discussion-y thing every Wednesday.

It's lead by a wise dude named Pete, the kind who would have an Owl as his Animal Doppelganger.

We eat tea together (there are about six or seven of us), and then sit down and drink tea and chat about things. We've been reading through a chapter of the Bible and talking about that.

I don't find it easy at this study...kinda often feel out of it, and that the contributions I come up with are slightly ridiculous...or seem to be. It's impossible to be objective with oneself! But some pretty deep stuff has come out of it.

At the end of the night, we all say things we want to do/think about/etc. in the upcoming week. I remember Pete mentioning how a song was playing in his brainwaves, and how he was finding it intriguing. He said his goal for the week was to think about the words of this song.

I was listening to the same tune today, and apart from it's marvellous guitar rift (Duh Duhnna Dun Dah), it does have some pretty cool words:

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange
a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears,
wish you were here.

-------------------------------------------

This song is called Wish You Were Here. 

These are the dudes who sung it, they're called Pink Floyd:
Notice, none of them are Pink....more of a greyish black and white....







So  I've been thinking about life and theology and how the world works, and how God works, and how much I wish you were here, Jesus, so we could talk about everything!
I don't want to be on social tranquillizers all my life. I want to be able to walk with God through pain, joy, grief, delight....to love others with all the love of God....to not think of myself, but others only.

Just the scattered thoughts of someone who can do nothing but be almost entirely utterly self-focused at the moment. Ohhh boy.

Attention Span of a Trout

Around midnight last night, I was chatting with my friend Hanwen, who was concerned about how much pain I was in.
Hanwen urged me to take some stronger painkillers to stop the pain. I took a Tramadol, and went to sleep until 11 this morning....gotta love your strong drugs.

The tablet is slow release, meaning I've been very dopey all day....not much use to anyone, but having a bit of a chat with God throughout the day.

I started reading Why the Cross by Martin Robinson, but I currently have the attention span of a Trout, so I kept nodding off in the middle of it.

The thing that scares me is that by the time my back gets better, I will have to work for months to build up the stamina to hold a job, or go for a proper walk, or to do any of my prac, which starts in only a couple of months.....eeeek!

What on earth do you have in mind for this, God????

It's Getting Worse

It's getting late. And the pain in my back is awful.

It's really bad. Worse than it was when I first hurt it two months ago.  GAH!

There's a healing meeting on in Dubbo in four days. Maybe I should check it out...

I would be willing for a guy to bark, howl, and or slay me, just so this pain would go away.

I wonder why God might answer if someone prayed for me (a healer), but not when I lie in bed pleading to him....

I Couldn't Sit Up at the Keyboard...

I may have over-done it yesterday.

It's hard to stay still for so long. I want to be doing some things without the constant pain and lack of strength in my back.

I got a back injury two months ago....ages and ages. I was going to the bank for an elderly lady I look after, when I saw arms and legs flailing in the air.

I may seem slow, but it only took me five seconds to realise that this is not normal.

I took off towards the arms and legs. It was an old heavy man, who had fallen in front of the bank. His cheek was oozing blood, and he was shaking and moaning.

Contrary to all good Manual Handling Laws, I helped pick the guy up....(I know, I know....)

Resulting in two loooong months of pain and hobbling. I think I did worse than the Old Dude did in the long run.
But I have been getting slowly better...until...cough*....yesterday....

So I may have gotten a little over-ambitious and done a few too many things. Meaning when I woke up this morning, my first realisation is, "Uh oh....Ow...ow...oww...."

Don't try to run from your head. Sooner or later, you're gonna land flat on your back (maybe literally), and then everything you've been trying to avoid will swamp you like the tide.

I get up and limp to have a shower, and try to convince my body that it actually doesn't hurt that much. I CAN still function. I CAN play the music at church this morning, like I was rostered on to do. I only get rostered on once a month, I CAN DO THIS!

My parents are not overly sympathetic, as I limp past their room. Nor should they be...I have been getting impatient at being unable to do much, and have been pushing the boundaries....when I should be doing very little (groan).

When I got to church, however, and slump over at the keyboard, people realised that I may not be up to the task....and send me home. Honestly, I couldn't sit upright.

"Heyyy." I whined to my little sister, who was doing the church singing, "Could you hold onto my lower lumbar during the service....that's it...a little lower....thank you...now hold it there...."

However, she was doing herself an injury trying to hold in my collapsing ligaments, so I tried to support myself by leaning forward toward the keys, elbows on the sides of the instrument. They slid off...

"MEAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH"

Being the sound of an adult's body weight hitting the Upper Notes of a Church Keyboard.

"Hey man, " the Bass Player said, "I don't wanna kick you outta the band or nothin', but I think maybe you should let your sister play the keys....we'll give you this week off..."

So I limped from the church, and gingerly drove home, and collapsed into bed.

Now I'm lying here, wondering what on earth God has in mind. I keep thinking God must have some issues he wants me to sort through, perhaps self worth? Or some other jolly topic.

It's easy to escape having to deal with stuff most of the time (God bless the nine seasons of Scrubs)...but maybe this stupid back pain will linger on until I DO deal with it.

So if anyone has any ideas about how to sort out Self Worth in 3 easy steps...or how to lie still without needing constant distraction? Or free tranquillizers?

much appreciated.