Certifiable Evidence that God Still Loves Me:

A. My friend Liz brought me round a Giant Block of Chocolate.
B. My friend Jess rubbed my back for half an hour.
C. My sister Kylie brought me an awesome CD, Sanctus Real's latest. Massive Encouragement. You all go out and buy it.

So even in my heart if I feel rejected and alone, I see these things, and know that God isn't too far.

Sincerely,
Kaity-G

All the Nutella I Can Eat

A friend of mine decided to ring tonight as I was glued to about the fiftieth episode of Scrubs.

I kinda have desperately been needing a friend to talk to, but at the same time, rejecting human contact, so I begrudgingly answered, and maybe hoped it wouldn't last long.

But it was really cool. After I admitted all the freak-outs contained in my synapses,  he calmly pointed out where my world-view has been pretty screwed, and told me in the nicest way possible how ungrateful I've been being.

So true. And slightly embarrassing to admit, but it's true.

Yeah, maybe I have had almost no money for a while. But neither have I had to miss out on anything. My friends take me out and flippin' pay for me to have tea with them, or coffee. How kind is that?

And yeah, my back has been so durn sore. But God gave me a Mum who patiently rubs it as many times a day as I need. And a pool to do exercises in. And a mini boom-box, so I can dogpaddle to a bit of Taio Cruz. And maybe all the Nutella I can eat.

So whilst I've been feeling so deserted and empty, maybe God has been moving all around me. You know, patiently demonstrating:

"It's okay, we'll get through this. One thing at a time. I'm not going anywhere."

My friend quoted Luke 11, where Jesus says:

^10-13"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. 
This is not a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. 


If your little boy asks for a serving of fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? If your little girl asks for an egg, do you trick her with a spider?


 As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing—you're at least decent to your own children. 
And don't you think the Father who conceived you in love will give the Holy Spirit when you ask him?"


So it was an encouraging phone call. 


I guess I do have to still go over this wave of stress, busyness and hard work. But I guess also, I have a dad who is lifting me up when the waves come, so I don't drown 
(though I may get a mouthful of salt).


Come to think of it, even though I haven't asked for an egg, I have been tricked with a spider recently....

Mellor's Miracles and Muddles

I was just at the healing meeting held by a guy called John Mellor.

Tall guy, charismatic. Wearing a soft pink shirt....

So he talks about how healing happens. He prays over some people. He puts hands over the affected area, and yells various things including, "Shuum! Shuum!" And, "Free, now Jesus, NOW! NOW!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ED84QFuhN0 is a link to some of the stuff he's done.

It was weird. He prayed for person after person. He prayed for a guy in a wheelchair, and the dude's foot starts jumping around. The guy in the chair stares at his foot, rather puzzled.

"That hasn't happened before..."

Like, so many people said they could feel the difference. Most praised God. About twenty prayed for Jesus to become Lord of their lives. One guy threw his arms up in the air screaming, "Ashutuiposhugnu! Nyeghytuihpoto!" John dealt with that by slaying him in the Spirit. The guy went down. John shook his head. "You scared the livers out of me, mate."

There was a LOT of slaying in the Spirit. Sometimes he'd try and do it, and nothing would happen....the person would just blankly stare. Other times, he'd barely look in their direction and they started yelling and writhing on the floor. It was almost like he did it for fun, pointing his finger at them, and watching them drop.
 At one time, there were so many splayed across the floor, it looked like a War Zone.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting there, in a lot of pain. As the night goes on, the pain gets worse and worse....I haven't sat up for so long in two months. I grumbled to myself, "The Longer I sit here waiting to be healed, the more I need it!"

John turns to the crowd and announces that he will be praying for the whole of the crowd, and stretching out his hand towards the large auditorium, he begins to do so.

I place my hands on my back, and pray for healing. I hope for healing. I'm afraid of healing.

Nothing happens. Perhaps I relax a little. But no relief from the tension and pain.

He prayed for a lot of people. And everyone there was stretching out their own hands to whomever had been prayed for, all asking God for healing.

The friends who I had come with, announce they wish to leave. My car is parked over in the dark, so I leave, too, and get a ride to my car. This happens to coincide with the time that John declares everyone is welcome to come to the front to be prayed for.

It was sort of funny. I was sitting next to a chiropractor in the car, who asked me about my back difficulties, and offered to see me if I so wished. So I don't know if that was a bit of God-Intervention.

So the facts of the night.
- I chickened out of getting prayed for.
- I'm a confused mess.
- I think I'm a Pharisee, that I saw those people claim to be feeling better, and my heart is unchanged.
- My own pastor spoke out the front about how his neck was free of it's chronic pain.
- So all this good stuff happened, and I am unmoved.
- I don't feel like praising God.
- I feel like turning on Scrubs and ignoring everything that just happened, because I'm so damn frustrated by it.

I'm so frustrated that the people who really were demonstrably ill, mentally damaged, and in wheelchairs, and such didn't seem to receive healing anywhere near as much as those who had diseases no one could see or judge easily.

But I don't wanna have a hard heart in this! I don't know why God would only reach out sometimes, I don't have the fuzziest. So I fled. (Also, the pain is fairly severe....)

John kept assuring people that if they weren't healed immediately, it was highly likely that they would be healed in the next hour, day or week. In fact, "You might wake up tomorrow morning, pain free! Praise God, folks, we're seeing miracles here!"  And Kaity limps out the auditorium. I guess group prayer is not very effective. I guess healing only happens under the right circumstances, with the right person, when God is in the right mood.

So maybe I will wake up tomorrow with my pain gone.

Who knows?
 I hope so. I'm sore.

My World is Shrinking

It's been a pretty good day.

Today I have been swimming trying to get my back back.

I went to a Bible study thing tonight that has about twenty young people go. I like to make lots of jokes there...pretend I'm the funny guy.

And my friend Jess came round today to cheer me up. Even though she struggles from depression, she came and plopped down at my desk chair and announced she was staying for two hours.

It was good of her; it's what I need at the moment. My world is shrinking by the day...and I'm enjoying human contact less and less as time goes on. Even family. Gah!~I make my sisters feel unwelcome when they come into my room...I just wanna be on my own- Gah~! Warning Warning!

This back better get better soon...

There's a healing meeting on tomorrow night in Dubbo; a guy called John Mellor
is coming to do a few healing meetings.

Don't know what I should do...

The Slapping Rainbow Phenomenon

Ever heard of the Slapping Rainbow Phenomenon (S.R.P.)?
Probably not, I just made it up.

It's the strange way that the beautiful invades the darkness.

It has been a hard week. Just a heaviness is around me. It becomes hard to do things.
This blog is hard to write.

Last year, for several months that stupid Black Dog, Depression, thought it would snap and snarl at me.
I had been feeling better.

Now it feels like someone has set that dog free again.

Last year, I went to the doctor.

She asked me a few questions,
said i was 'exhibiting signs of depression'
and prescribed 'sleep, and chocolate'.

Yes I know all of you want her number. She was great.

The feelings seemed to get worse after that.
After I'd been to the doctor, I went wandering
out the back of Canowindra, in the deserted green paddocks.

It started lightly raining, and I started doing my whole, God I am so confused, bla bla. The stuff you blurt to God about when you know your completely alone.

And then I turned around, and nearly got slapped in the face with the gigantic rainbow that landed not far from where I stood.
It was amazing, and breath-taking. The whole thing was visible. It was glorious.
I just stood there and gaped.

Rainbows don't slap you everyday.

At the time, I knew why that rainbow was there - God telling me He loved me, and that He was in it with me.

'It' being life, and everything that comes up. Everything a human is supposed to do, and know, and be.
Every bewildering thing.

I was going to write about how terrible I was feeling.

But then, I looked out the window, and the sky was streaked with pink.

Yep, I like them slapping rainbows...