It's Getting Worse

It's getting late. And the pain in my back is awful.

It's really bad. Worse than it was when I first hurt it two months ago.  GAH!

There's a healing meeting on in Dubbo in four days. Maybe I should check it out...

I would be willing for a guy to bark, howl, and or slay me, just so this pain would go away.

I wonder why God might answer if someone prayed for me (a healer), but not when I lie in bed pleading to him....

I Couldn't Sit Up at the Keyboard...

I may have over-done it yesterday.

It's hard to stay still for so long. I want to be doing some things without the constant pain and lack of strength in my back.

I got a back injury two months ago....ages and ages. I was going to the bank for an elderly lady I look after, when I saw arms and legs flailing in the air.

I may seem slow, but it only took me five seconds to realise that this is not normal.

I took off towards the arms and legs. It was an old heavy man, who had fallen in front of the bank. His cheek was oozing blood, and he was shaking and moaning.

Contrary to all good Manual Handling Laws, I helped pick the guy up....(I know, I know....)

Resulting in two loooong months of pain and hobbling. I think I did worse than the Old Dude did in the long run.
But I have been getting slowly better...until...cough*....yesterday....

So I may have gotten a little over-ambitious and done a few too many things. Meaning when I woke up this morning, my first realisation is, "Uh oh....Ow...ow...oww...."

Don't try to run from your head. Sooner or later, you're gonna land flat on your back (maybe literally), and then everything you've been trying to avoid will swamp you like the tide.

I get up and limp to have a shower, and try to convince my body that it actually doesn't hurt that much. I CAN still function. I CAN play the music at church this morning, like I was rostered on to do. I only get rostered on once a month, I CAN DO THIS!

My parents are not overly sympathetic, as I limp past their room. Nor should they be...I have been getting impatient at being unable to do much, and have been pushing the boundaries....when I should be doing very little (groan).

When I got to church, however, and slump over at the keyboard, people realised that I may not be up to the task....and send me home. Honestly, I couldn't sit upright.

"Heyyy." I whined to my little sister, who was doing the church singing, "Could you hold onto my lower lumbar during the service....that's it...a little lower....thank you...now hold it there...."

However, she was doing herself an injury trying to hold in my collapsing ligaments, so I tried to support myself by leaning forward toward the keys, elbows on the sides of the instrument. They slid off...

"MEAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH"

Being the sound of an adult's body weight hitting the Upper Notes of a Church Keyboard.

"Hey man, " the Bass Player said, "I don't wanna kick you outta the band or nothin', but I think maybe you should let your sister play the keys....we'll give you this week off..."

So I limped from the church, and gingerly drove home, and collapsed into bed.

Now I'm lying here, wondering what on earth God has in mind. I keep thinking God must have some issues he wants me to sort through, perhaps self worth? Or some other jolly topic.

It's easy to escape having to deal with stuff most of the time (God bless the nine seasons of Scrubs)...but maybe this stupid back pain will linger on until I DO deal with it.

So if anyone has any ideas about how to sort out Self Worth in 3 easy steps...or how to lie still without needing constant distraction? Or free tranquillizers?

much appreciated.

Telling the Loud Voice to Shut Up

I have been going to a couple of counsellors recently named Mike and Nancy. They are a couple who go to my parent's church, and talking to them really helps.

I asked them the other night if they ever had voices in their heads taunting and mocking them, about something they had or hadn't done. 

Mike raised an eyebrow and asked, "Could you give an example?"

Well, I explained, I read books, and hear sermons and such, and there's such a huge push to do this, and do that, and that only when I have a handle on it, will I be being a true disciple. So because I fairly consistently fail to do these things, there are these strong thoughts in my head which are angry and disgusted at me because of my continual failures. 

Mike had some pretty strong feelings on this subject. He vehemently declared that Christianity was falling under the Law system as easily as the disciples had in the early church, only sacrifices and ceremonial cleanliness was being replaced by 'Read Your Bible Every Day' and 'Get Involved in Your Local Church'.  And such things as that. The idea being that when one jumps through all the hoops one will of course be in God's Better Books than if one had not. 

I understand this thinking. I understand the franticness inside me, that honestly longs to do what is right, but when faced with the list of things I am required to do, I must admit, I cannot do them. I struggle to faithfully read and meditate on my Bible. I struggle to get involved at my church. I am a rotten pray-er. 

A missio to China, Hudson Taylor, has a quote that strikes me:

How then to have our faith increased? Only by thinking of all that Jesus is, and all He is for us: His life, His death, His work, He Himself as revealed to us in the Word, to be the subject of our constant thoughts. Not a striving to have faith, or to increase our faith, but a looking off to the Faithful One seems all we need; a resting in the Loved One entirely, for time and for eternity. 

It's when I lay my life before Christ in simple forms, "Lord, this day is yours and I'm yours. What next, Papa?" and then just be willing to be obedient to whatever he would nudge me towards, that I feel the most peaceful. Trying to scurry like a hamster in a rotating wheel to keep up with what people indicate is required is tiring and perhaps missing the point.

If I'm available to what God would say, and not constantly kicking into myself because of what I don't do, then I think that is what God requires.

Mike also said something which I found good:

The World's Voice is Harsh and General, the Holy Spirit's Voice is Gentle and Specific. 

So that loud taunting in my head is NOT from God. So I think I will tell it to SHUT UP.

Rich Young Man

I like stories.
Mark's story in the Jesus Chronicles has an interesting little account called the Rich Young Man.
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The Rich Young Man

 ¹⁷As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" ¹⁸"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. ¹⁹You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.'^[d]"
 ²⁰"Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."
 ²¹Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
 ²²At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
 ²³Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!"
 ²⁴The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, "Children, how hard it is^[e] to enter the kingdom of God! ²⁵It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
 ²⁶The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, "Who then can be saved?"
 ²⁷Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
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I can imagine this guy, he had everything. But he's looking ahead and not sure what's going to happen, so he runs to ask the Rabbi.

"What do I need to do to live forever?"

Jesus gives him the six commandments that have to do with dealing with humans.

"I've kept them."

It says Jesus looked at him and loved him. and I really like that it says that about Jesus. It's like Jesus could see that he was sincere...he really was searching. Jesus seems to love Real People.

One more thing then, Jesus says, Go get rid of what ties you down; give it to those who need it. Come, and be my disciple.

This is asking too much of the guy. He went away sad.

That part makes me so mad! The guy had the chance to follow Jesus! to become part of that great adventure! Following Jesus is entering into eternal life! 

and the guy walks away.

He's probably thinking, "I don't want to live with nothing. I don't like being really uncomfortable."

-It would have been uncomfortable.-

- Sometimes the disciples didn't know where their next meal was coming from, or where they would sleep.

- It would have lead to watching his Master on a Cross, and being persecuted...

- and likely his own death far down the track.

But there would have been the amazement of being one of Jesus's disciples...of the Resurrection....of finding the Eternal Life he'd been looking for.

I'm thinking maybe I walk away from incredible opportunities like this sometimes...because I value my comfort. Maybe I'm missing out, too.

But I can change. After all, as Jesus goes on to say: 

Nothing is Impossible With God

The Slapping Rainbow Phenomenon

Ever heard of the Slapping Rainbow Phenomenon (S.R.P.)?
Probably not, I just made it up.

It's the strange way that the beautiful invades the darkness.

It has been a hard week. Just a heaviness is around me. It becomes hard to do things.
This blog is hard to write.

Last year, for several months that stupid Black Dog, Depression, thought it would snap and snarl at me.
I had been feeling better.

Now it feels like someone has set that dog free again.

Last year, I went to the doctor.

She asked me a few questions,
said i was 'exhibiting signs of depression'
and prescribed 'sleep, and chocolate'.

Yes I know all of you want her number. She was great.

The feelings seemed to get worse after that.
After I'd been to the doctor, I went wandering
out the back of Canowindra, in the deserted green paddocks.

It started lightly raining, and I started doing my whole, God I am so confused, bla bla. The stuff you blurt to God about when you know your completely alone.

And then I turned around, and nearly got slapped in the face with the gigantic rainbow that landed not far from where I stood.
It was amazing, and breath-taking. The whole thing was visible. It was glorious.
I just stood there and gaped.

Rainbows don't slap you everyday.

At the time, I knew why that rainbow was there - God telling me He loved me, and that He was in it with me.

'It' being life, and everything that comes up. Everything a human is supposed to do, and know, and be.
Every bewildering thing.

I was going to write about how terrible I was feeling.

But then, I looked out the window, and the sky was streaked with pink.

Yep, I like them slapping rainbows...

papered synapses

I work in a nursing home.

This job, in the almost two months that I've had casual work there, has been baffling, challenging, incredible.

- I've held an ancient woman's hand as she trembled and vomited from seizure.

- I've philosophized over the incredible and amazing behaviour of the very elderly; the people group largely hidden from most youth.

- I've been on my hands and knees, showering a woman who had spent the night on the cold floor in her own waste.

I can't believe elderly people! They are like babies. Except, older.

They like attention, and will use crocodile tears to gain it. They (mostly) crave physical attention...hugs, cuddles, etc. - which wears me out after a nine hour shift.

One woman has been the exception to this. She is blind, and very, very proud. I liked her a lot at first, but after a series of negative conversations, I'm finding it harder.

I entered her room, and humming, set about getting her clothes ready.

Me: How are you going today?

She: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me:(puzzled by question)I'm not sure. But I'd love to do something where I could love and help people.

She: (pauses) Well, you'll never make it as a nurse.

Me: (stunned) Why would you say that?

She: Because you sing, and you ask silly questions.

I began to silently cry...mainly because I was tired, and also because when you try hard and try and try and try, and get nowhere...or a kick in the teeth...it ain't exactly uplifting.

I'm so often hungry for validation. But instead of going to the One who's validation matters, I chase after people.
"Validate me! Assure me I'm worth something. Assure me I'm not just a waste of space!"

I don't want to spend my last years in a nursing home, walking around in living death. My soul crawls at the very idea. I want to bring life to this job. I'm trying really hard to always be a kind face, and a gentle and encouraging word to the residents. I want to bring Life wherever I go. But not my own fake life, God's Life, God's Love. It's a remarkable opportunity, to train, and earn, and learn to persevere, and to love the lonely.

just some thoughts....

Matthew 3: 7- 12 - it's about your heart not your family tree-

Matthew 3: 7-12

Many people come down to the river to be dunked, and in between splashes, John catches sight of the Religious and Political leaders coming down to see what was going on.

John doesn't drag out the camping chairs and offer the esky full of Icey-Cold Ones around. His reception was somewhat less welcoming...

"Brood of snakes! What do you think you're doing slithering down here to the river? Do you think a little water on your snakeskins is going to make any difference? It's your life that must change, not your skin! And don't think you can pull rank by claiming Abraham as father. Being a descendant of Abraham is neither here nor there. Descendants of Abraham are a dime a dozen. What counts is your life. Is it green and blossoming? Because if it's deadwood, it goes on the fire.

^11-12"I'm baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. The real action comes next: The main character in this drama—compared to him I'm a mere stagehand—will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He's going to clean house—make a clean sweep of your lives. He'll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he'll put out with the trash to be burned." (The Message)

It's funny he calls them 'snakes'. I mean, these guys were the scholars. They wrote the books on religion. The Old Testament was memorized by them. The first mention of a snake...well if you can remember it, you'll realise he wasn't complimenting them on their cunning.

It seems the Leaders thought that their lineage got them into God's good books no matter what their thoughts and attitudes were. John threw that idea out.

It's about your heart, not your family tree.

John also mentions the Band who he is opening for..."I'm baptising everyone so that your hearts will be right towards God. But coming up next...one more powerful - and great...I couldn't even carry his Crocs...He's the Real Deal.... He'll baptise you with the Living Presence of God, God who is a Consuming Fire. He will clear up who is God's...and who is not!"

These passages whet your appetite for the upcoming Event. They seem to splash paint onto a canvas and reveal the outlines of a picture. A picture that makes you gasp, and look closer. There's more to be revealed...