Telling the Loud Voice to Shut Up

I have been going to a couple of counsellors recently named Mike and Nancy. They are a couple who go to my parent's church, and talking to them really helps.

I asked them the other night if they ever had voices in their heads taunting and mocking them, about something they had or hadn't done. 

Mike raised an eyebrow and asked, "Could you give an example?"

Well, I explained, I read books, and hear sermons and such, and there's such a huge push to do this, and do that, and that only when I have a handle on it, will I be being a true disciple. So because I fairly consistently fail to do these things, there are these strong thoughts in my head which are angry and disgusted at me because of my continual failures. 

Mike had some pretty strong feelings on this subject. He vehemently declared that Christianity was falling under the Law system as easily as the disciples had in the early church, only sacrifices and ceremonial cleanliness was being replaced by 'Read Your Bible Every Day' and 'Get Involved in Your Local Church'.  And such things as that. The idea being that when one jumps through all the hoops one will of course be in God's Better Books than if one had not. 

I understand this thinking. I understand the franticness inside me, that honestly longs to do what is right, but when faced with the list of things I am required to do, I must admit, I cannot do them. I struggle to faithfully read and meditate on my Bible. I struggle to get involved at my church. I am a rotten pray-er. 

A missio to China, Hudson Taylor, has a quote that strikes me:

How then to have our faith increased? Only by thinking of all that Jesus is, and all He is for us: His life, His death, His work, He Himself as revealed to us in the Word, to be the subject of our constant thoughts. Not a striving to have faith, or to increase our faith, but a looking off to the Faithful One seems all we need; a resting in the Loved One entirely, for time and for eternity. 

It's when I lay my life before Christ in simple forms, "Lord, this day is yours and I'm yours. What next, Papa?" and then just be willing to be obedient to whatever he would nudge me towards, that I feel the most peaceful. Trying to scurry like a hamster in a rotating wheel to keep up with what people indicate is required is tiring and perhaps missing the point.

If I'm available to what God would say, and not constantly kicking into myself because of what I don't do, then I think that is what God requires.

Mike also said something which I found good:

The World's Voice is Harsh and General, the Holy Spirit's Voice is Gentle and Specific. 

So that loud taunting in my head is NOT from God. So I think I will tell it to SHUT UP.

Rich Young Man

I like stories.
Mark's story in the Jesus Chronicles has an interesting little account called the Rich Young Man.
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The Rich Young Man

 ¹⁷As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" ¹⁸"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. ¹⁹You know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.'^[d]"
 ²⁰"Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."
 ²¹Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
 ²²At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
 ²³Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!"
 ²⁴The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, "Children, how hard it is^[e] to enter the kingdom of God! ²⁵It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
 ²⁶The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, "Who then can be saved?"
 ²⁷Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
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I can imagine this guy, he had everything. But he's looking ahead and not sure what's going to happen, so he runs to ask the Rabbi.

"What do I need to do to live forever?"

Jesus gives him the six commandments that have to do with dealing with humans.

"I've kept them."

It says Jesus looked at him and loved him. and I really like that it says that about Jesus. It's like Jesus could see that he was sincere...he really was searching. Jesus seems to love Real People.

One more thing then, Jesus says, Go get rid of what ties you down; give it to those who need it. Come, and be my disciple.

This is asking too much of the guy. He went away sad.

That part makes me so mad! The guy had the chance to follow Jesus! to become part of that great adventure! Following Jesus is entering into eternal life! 

and the guy walks away.

He's probably thinking, "I don't want to live with nothing. I don't like being really uncomfortable."

-It would have been uncomfortable.-

- Sometimes the disciples didn't know where their next meal was coming from, or where they would sleep.

- It would have lead to watching his Master on a Cross, and being persecuted...

- and likely his own death far down the track.

But there would have been the amazement of being one of Jesus's disciples...of the Resurrection....of finding the Eternal Life he'd been looking for.

I'm thinking maybe I walk away from incredible opportunities like this sometimes...because I value my comfort. Maybe I'm missing out, too.

But I can change. After all, as Jesus goes on to say: 

Nothing is Impossible With God

The Slapping Rainbow Phenomenon

Ever heard of the Slapping Rainbow Phenomenon (S.R.P.)?
Probably not, I just made it up.

It's the strange way that the beautiful invades the darkness.

It has been a hard week. Just a heaviness is around me. It becomes hard to do things.
This blog is hard to write.

Last year, for several months that stupid Black Dog, Depression, thought it would snap and snarl at me.
I had been feeling better.

Now it feels like someone has set that dog free again.

Last year, I went to the doctor.

She asked me a few questions,
said i was 'exhibiting signs of depression'
and prescribed 'sleep, and chocolate'.

Yes I know all of you want her number. She was great.

The feelings seemed to get worse after that.
After I'd been to the doctor, I went wandering
out the back of Canowindra, in the deserted green paddocks.

It started lightly raining, and I started doing my whole, God I am so confused, bla bla. The stuff you blurt to God about when you know your completely alone.

And then I turned around, and nearly got slapped in the face with the gigantic rainbow that landed not far from where I stood.
It was amazing, and breath-taking. The whole thing was visible. It was glorious.
I just stood there and gaped.

Rainbows don't slap you everyday.

At the time, I knew why that rainbow was there - God telling me He loved me, and that He was in it with me.

'It' being life, and everything that comes up. Everything a human is supposed to do, and know, and be.
Every bewildering thing.

I was going to write about how terrible I was feeling.

But then, I looked out the window, and the sky was streaked with pink.

Yep, I like them slapping rainbows...

papered synapses

I work in a nursing home.

This job, in the almost two months that I've had casual work there, has been baffling, challenging, incredible.

- I've held an ancient woman's hand as she trembled and vomited from seizure.

- I've philosophized over the incredible and amazing behaviour of the very elderly; the people group largely hidden from most youth.

- I've been on my hands and knees, showering a woman who had spent the night on the cold floor in her own waste.

I can't believe elderly people! They are like babies. Except, older.

They like attention, and will use crocodile tears to gain it. They (mostly) crave physical attention...hugs, cuddles, etc. - which wears me out after a nine hour shift.

One woman has been the exception to this. She is blind, and very, very proud. I liked her a lot at first, but after a series of negative conversations, I'm finding it harder.

I entered her room, and humming, set about getting her clothes ready.

Me: How are you going today?

She: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me:(puzzled by question)I'm not sure. But I'd love to do something where I could love and help people.

She: (pauses) Well, you'll never make it as a nurse.

Me: (stunned) Why would you say that?

She: Because you sing, and you ask silly questions.

I began to silently cry...mainly because I was tired, and also because when you try hard and try and try and try, and get nowhere...or a kick in the teeth...it ain't exactly uplifting.

I'm so often hungry for validation. But instead of going to the One who's validation matters, I chase after people.
"Validate me! Assure me I'm worth something. Assure me I'm not just a waste of space!"

I don't want to spend my last years in a nursing home, walking around in living death. My soul crawls at the very idea. I want to bring life to this job. I'm trying really hard to always be a kind face, and a gentle and encouraging word to the residents. I want to bring Life wherever I go. But not my own fake life, God's Life, God's Love. It's a remarkable opportunity, to train, and earn, and learn to persevere, and to love the lonely.

just some thoughts....

Matthew 3: 7- 12 - it's about your heart not your family tree-

Matthew 3: 7-12

Many people come down to the river to be dunked, and in between splashes, John catches sight of the Religious and Political leaders coming down to see what was going on.

John doesn't drag out the camping chairs and offer the esky full of Icey-Cold Ones around. His reception was somewhat less welcoming...

"Brood of snakes! What do you think you're doing slithering down here to the river? Do you think a little water on your snakeskins is going to make any difference? It's your life that must change, not your skin! And don't think you can pull rank by claiming Abraham as father. Being a descendant of Abraham is neither here nor there. Descendants of Abraham are a dime a dozen. What counts is your life. Is it green and blossoming? Because if it's deadwood, it goes on the fire.

^11-12"I'm baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. The real action comes next: The main character in this drama—compared to him I'm a mere stagehand—will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He's going to clean house—make a clean sweep of your lives. He'll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he'll put out with the trash to be burned." (The Message)

It's funny he calls them 'snakes'. I mean, these guys were the scholars. They wrote the books on religion. The Old Testament was memorized by them. The first mention of a snake...well if you can remember it, you'll realise he wasn't complimenting them on their cunning.

It seems the Leaders thought that their lineage got them into God's good books no matter what their thoughts and attitudes were. John threw that idea out.

It's about your heart, not your family tree.

John also mentions the Band who he is opening for..."I'm baptising everyone so that your hearts will be right towards God. But coming up next...one more powerful - and great...I couldn't even carry his Crocs...He's the Real Deal.... He'll baptise you with the Living Presence of God, God who is a Consuming Fire. He will clear up who is God's...and who is not!"

These passages whet your appetite for the upcoming Event. They seem to splash paint onto a canvas and reveal the outlines of a picture. A picture that makes you gasp, and look closer. There's more to be revealed...

no stock in religion...

I put no stock in religion. By the word religion I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of God.

Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves, and goodness. What God desires is here (points to head), and here (points to heart)-and by what you decide to do every day, you will be a good man. Or not.”

quote from Kingdom of Heaven

You Did Not Have a Home

You Did Not Have a Home

Oh, You did not have a home
There were places You visited frequently
You took off Your shoes and scratched Your feet
'Cause you knew that the whole world belongs to the meek
But You did not have a home
No, You did not have a home

And You did not take a wife
There were pretty maids all in a row
Who lined up to touch the hem of Your robe
But You had no place to take them, so
You did not take a wife
No, You did not take a wife

Birds have nests, foxes have dens
But the hope of the whole world rests
On the shoulders of a homeless man
You had the shoulders of a homeless man
No, You did not have a home

Well you had no stones to throw
You came without an ax to grind
You did not tow the party line
No wonder sight came to the blind
You had no stones to throw
You had no stones to throw

And You rode and ass' foal
They spread their coats and cut down palms
For You and Your donkey to walk upon
But the world won't find what it thinks it wants
On the back of an ass' foal
So I guess You had to get sold
'Cause the world can't stand what it can't own
And it can't own You
'Cause You did not have a home

Birds have nests, foxes have dens
But the hope of the whole world rests
On the shoulders of a homeless man
You had the shoulders of a homeless man
No, You did not have a home

Birds have nests, foxes have dens
But the hope of the whole world rests
On the shoulders of a homeless man
You had the shoulders of a homeless man
And the world can't stand what it can't own
And it can't own You
'Cause You did not have a home

Rich Mullins